Cleaning House, and escaping death.

It's been 3 years since I almost died...

Cleaning up someone else's mess is never a fun job. 

Forgiving and forgetting someone betraying you is not a easy task.

Loving someone even though they treat you with the utmost disrespect, is not human. 

But with the love that Jesus Christ has for us... God giving up His Son. Jesus dying on the cross to forgive all our sins. Forgiving all our sins as far as the east is from the west. 

How can I not forgive a brother of mine, who betrayed every member of my family; and put a poison that I know was from satan himself in the midst of my amazing family? 

I can not say that I'm fully healed from what happened to me 3 years ago, though I am healing with the Lord's help. My life flashing before my eyes. A trigger pulled, with a gun pointed at my head in between my eyes. Praying: "Lord take me now, for I would rather be with You then living in this hell on earth." With my own half brother whom I hardly knew holding the weapon, to my head... 

I can still remember every moment of that night like it was yesterday. I don't know that I'll ever be able to forget it. I can't imagine what my family would have gone through, how my parents would have felt had I died that night; the Lord truly is sovereign. 

I thank God every day for allowing my life to be spared that night. I realized after that night, God wasn't finished with me yet. Though I am still learning how to live my daily life trusting in Him for all my needs, His perfect will in my life, serving Him in a faithful way. Where He wants me to abide, to live, to work. I truly do love Him with all of my heart. 

People tell me on a daily basis, "You're crazy." I'd rather be crazy, happy, positive, always smiling... Then ever be miserable again. I have seen my life flash before my eyes too many times in the last 10 years to not love every day, every moment, and every hour of it. I will live my life to the fullest, and live everyday as of it were my last for the rest of my life until The Lord returns; And I refuse to let anyone make it different then that. 

I will love The Lord as my first love for the rest of my life and put Him first above all else. I will pray for my future husband until The Lord allows him to come and swoop me off my feet, cause me to go weak in the knees, and in so doing make all my dreams come true. All I want is what the Lord wants for me. And He has promised me the BEST! Therefore I bow my knees to the Father...

Lord, thank You for sparing my life. Thank You for loving me so much. Thank You for the family You have blessed me with. Lord, shine through in all of our lives. Lord, take care of my brothers. I love You Lord to the uttermost! 

I have Faith that the Lord heals all wounds, some just take longer then others. 

God bless rear view mirrors!

Moving on...

Though the last year has had more ups and downs in it then any other year of my life, I will never regret my decision to move to California for Bible school. 

When reflecting on everything that I have been through in this past year, I look back and can truthfully say "I will never regret staying in California." 

In my time here, I have made a few life time companions that will be in my heart for eternity. And it is because of them I can say this past year was worth every up and down; on this life I call 'my own personal roller coaster.' Something of which I am still learning to love and appreciate on a daily basis. 

They say 'life is hard, life is what you make it.'

I'm learning how on a daily basis to make my life worth living. I don't want to regret one moment, and can say truthfully to this day I don't regret anything. I thank God for every moment He has blessed me with, and am happier today then I was yesterday. 

Though I do miss every person that has touched my life, and that has made me feel wanted, loved, cherished, and needed; I wish I could be a million places at once. 

I miss sitting in the H's house, with Sarah's voice saying "I love you Auntie Charity, and little Leeana watching us from afar with a jealous look on her face waiting for Sarah and I to invite her to sit and cuddle with us. 

I used to think, 'life would be so much easier if I didn't give my heart away to those whom I love.' But what kind of life is that? I would rather love deeply, and miss genuinely... Then to never really love someone.

So, as I sit here in my room in Camp Engedi, with rain falling down outside for the first time in months reflecting on this last year of my 'not so perfect but amazingly awesome blessed life,' on one of my last days living in California, with tears running down my face because its too hard for me to say 'Goodbye' to anyone... I say, "Until the next time we meet, I will love and miss you forever."